Recipe for Deviled Gallimaufry

A heaping of deviled gallimaufry big enough for the whole brood! Smokey, spicy, meaty and unrepentant, get ready to cook up a sinfully good dinner right in your corner of Hell! You can’t have too many family dinner recipes; and one that uses locally-sourced ingredients! There’s always room for that!

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Why a Gallimaufry?

One of the first routines to fall by the wayside when I’m being tormented for an eternity is family dinner, which is a shame, because I have bestial craving for it. It’s hard to justify the time spent catching popes, striking unspeakable deals, and making a reduction for dinner, when my clan’s hunger can never be sated. Still, I inevitably perk up and feel better when I make these things. They’re reminders that the varieties of suffering are endless. And there’s nothing like a hot meal on cold nights infinitely removed from God’s light, pure and simple.

My unholy spawn can’t get enough deviled gallimaufry. While I’m cooking, they can barely resist clawing and rending my body to pieces in their impatience. My big boy especially loves the pitch-soaked slabs of senator. His wretched probosci wetly funnel hocks of meat into a maw that never stops gnawing. His younger brother loves to settle on dinner like a putrid mist, rotting everything and causing great blooms of mold, just the way he likes it. My husband, the Deceiver, always breaks out in a vessel-popping rictus grin when I put this dish on the supper table, and our littlest one can’t wait to drag a steaming bowl of gallimaufry back to her cage. With her thousand mouths it’s a guarantee she’ll be rattling her chains for seconds soon enough!

Deviled Gallimaufry Ingredient List

  • 1 gallon fetid water

  • ½ cup extra virgin oil

  • 2 cups pitch

  • ½ cup boiled blood with extra pulp of tyrants

  • 1 handful of maggots

  • 1 cup soothsayer heads

  • ½ pound flayed senator

  • 3 simonious popes

  • 1 avaricious cardinal

  • 2 charbroiled heretics, entombed

  • 3 ounces leprous scabs of an alchemist

  • 1 head of frozen traitor

  • 1 pound sodium

  • 1 tablespoon mustard seed

  • ¼ cup ground black pepper

  • ¼ cup smoked hot paprika

  • Sulfur sauce

Deviled Gallimaufry Preparation Instructions

  1. Toss the sodium into a large pot of fetid water and bring to a rolling boil.

  2. Whisk the extra virgin oil, pitch and boiled blood together, over medium high heat in a stained steel pan.

  3. From the feet of uncommitted sinners, harvest 1 handful of maggots and mince until fine.

  4. Soothsayer heads come attached to their body, twisted backwards in the packaging. Pop the heads off and discard the bodies, they are useless husks. Soothsayers tend to cry a lot, so poke out their eyes and rinse them of their lamentations. Bash their faces until bloody.

  5. Add the maggots to the pan and whisk to dissolve, until aromatic. Then add the soothsayer heads and flayed senator to the pitch and oil along with the mustard, pepper and paprika. Reduce to low heat and cook until the deviling is coagulated.

  6. Meanwhile, decapitate the simonious popes. This is easy as their heads come stuffed in a rock. The heads are bitter and disgusting, but their bodies are juicy and fat. Hold their feet to the fire until golden brown and demonic. Pro tip: use a simoniac rock to beat the soothsayers in step 4; just make sure all the pope has been removed first.

  7. Un-entomb the heretics (careful: they are usually still on fire!) and hack them to pieces, along with the cardinal.

  8. Mix together the popes, cardinals and heretics in a large bowl. Zest the leprous scabs into this mixture and then add everything to the boiling water.

  9. Boil for 10,000 years, or until the wailing and gnashing of teeth subsides. Add the thawed traitor’s head and continue to simmer for 10,000 more years until whimpering.

  10. Stir the deviled reduction into the gallimaufry and serve immediately. Add sulfur sauce to taste.

  11. Enjoy!


gallimaufry, n. 1. A dish made by hashing up odds and ends of food; a hodge-podge, a ragout.

The Devil mince me into a Galli-mafry, if I do not tremble for fear.
— 'The third book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick containing the heroick deeds of Pantagruel the son of Gargantua', François Rabelais, transl. Thomas Urquhart (1693)